They Aren't Always As They Appear

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ... unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the place except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed here as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by her name, said 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' 

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this :

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot wlak off the plane with a Seeing Eye Dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story ... have a great day and remember ... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Born in the 40s, 50s and 60s

[One Version]

Without any maids, our mothers cooked, cleaned and took care of the whole family. They still had time to chat with neighbours. Everyone had candy floss, fizzy drinks and shaved ice with syrups. Diabetes were rare and aspirin and Panadol cured all illness. We rode adult's bicycle to school, the richer ones had their own mini-bikes. Ironically, we all had problems with our brakes, and after running into the bushes a few times, we learned how to solve the problem. Prefects were a fearful lot ... more fearful than the teachers. Detention class was like going to prison for a day. We had "public canning" in schools.

NO ONE ever won the big prices on "TIKAM". It was a scam but it did not stop us from coming back for more. Motorbikes were rode without helmets. It was rare to ride a private taxi. Taking a bus was luxury - we either cycled or walked to everywhere. We drank water from the tap and NOT from bottles. We spent hours in fields under the sun, playing football or flying kites, without worrying about UV rays. It did not affect us. We roamed free, catching spiders and did not worry of Aedes mosquitoes. We kept our spiders in match boxes and ready for a fight anytime.

With mere 5 pebbles, girls played endless games; and with a tennis ball, boys ran like crazy for hours. When it rained, we swam the drains & canals to catch "ikan keli", none of us were dissolved in rain. We shared one bottle of soft drink with friends, NO ONE actually worried about catching anything. We ate salty, sweet & oily foods, bread had real butter and sometimes condense milk. We enjoyed very sweet coffee, tea, and "ice kacang" but we were not obese because ... WE WERE OUT PLAYING ALL THE TIME!!

We left home in the morning and played all day till hunger drove us back home. When needed, our parents knew how to find us. NO ONE actually watched over us and WE ALWAYS WERE SAFE. WE DID NOT HAVE HANDPHONES BUGGING US. We rode bikes or walked over to a friend's house and just yelled for them !!! We did not have Playstations, X-boxes, Nintendo's, multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!! Our TV was black and white. We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.

We did not have birthdays parties till we were 21, that is when we started to take noticed of girls. We have not heard of the word "Bumiputra". We only knew our friends by names. Their parents were Pak Cik and Mak Cik or Uncle and Aunty. In badminton, we did not change the shuttle as long as it was in flight. Regardless of how many feathers were left in the shuttle, our game continued ... but still Wong Peng Soon and Punch Gunalan made us proud in Badminton. Match-boxes were always "chilly" or "king kong" brand ... to own a box of matches from a hotel was something great.

Regardless of whether we could afford one, we always knew Maths tuition was $10.00 a month. All parties were held in the Town Hall. We felt pleased to see a policeman and we were always eager to tell police everything we saw. Morris Minor and Volkswagen Beetle were on our roads...driven alongside Kingswood, Vauxhall, Opel and Chrysler. Executives of companies drove Peugeot 504. Japanese cars were considered "inferior". There were no traffic lights, only roundabouts.

The whole kampung came together during kenduris and all took turns to "kacau dodol". Chinese, Indians and Malays were all part of kenduris and all of us spoke Malay. Our favourite local performer was Rose Chan and the Beatles were the most popular band. John Wayne's westerns on Sunday Cheap Matinees were 25 cent per show. Malay weddings had joget sessions in the night, it was the only time to ask the Malay lady for a dance. Ketupat were NEVER plastic wrapped.

Football was played barefooted in torn-filled "padangs", rain or shine ... but still Santokh Singh, Soh Chin Ann and Mokhtar Dahari made us proud, we actually beat South Korea in football. JPJ testers instill fear and were highly respected ... Susu lembu was delivered to our house by our big, friendly and strong "Bayi" on his bicycle. All "jagas" were "Bayi" and no place got robbed. "Laksa" and "Putu Mayam" man came peddling. "Kacang Puteh" man walked balancing on his head top, 6 compartments of different type of murukus.

We played "gasing", made our own kites & had kite fighting with glass glued threads and made wooden guns & used seeds from plants for bullets. Kang Kong was free … easily harvested by riverside. "Kembong" was 30 cents a "kati" and nobody wanted "ikan pari". When the Circus came to town, everybody went to see it. It was the best LIVE show I ever saw. Usually we did not have to BUY fruits; they were self planted or given by neighbours or friends.

The idea of parents bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. Our parents actually sided with the law ! Nobody knew about child psychology! Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 40 years have been an explosion of innovations and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned ... HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

American Customs

A Chinese man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a nice home on a small piece of land. A few days after moving in, a friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to their neighbourhood. He goes next door but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to tries again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drinking it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later, he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, ... pausing ... and then putting his left ear next to the bull's butt.

The American bloke can't handle this any longer so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez, mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.' The Chinese man was very taken back and says,  'Sorry, sir, you no..no understand. This is not Chinese customs I am following and doing this according to American Customs.'

'What do you mean?' says the neighbour, 'Those aren't American customs!'

'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me,' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true blue American, I must learn to ... chase chicks around, get piss drunk, and learn how to listen to bull-shit ...' 

The Tiger : The Cat

A tiger was getting married and all animals attended the wedding . Every animal stood at distance and wished the  tiger. A cat came and climbed to the stage and danced nicely then extended his hand to wish the tiger.

The tiger roared in rage and said how dare you come on the stage? Even the panther is maintaining its distance and you climbed the stage.

The cat replied and after listening to that the tiger fainted. What would have the cat said ???

The cat said "Oh shut up buddy, even I was a tiger before marriage"

English From Around The World

English From Around The World

In a Bangkok Temple : IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant : CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster in Cancun : ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant : OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery : PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations : GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant : OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar : SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery : YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.   

A Laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE  YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window : IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

Who Is A Man

Someone has written something good for men

Who is a MAN ...

A man is the most beautiful part of God's creation.
He sacrifices his chocolates for his  sister.
He sacrifices his dreams for just a smile on his parents' face.
He spends his entire pocket money on buying gifts for the lady he loves just to see her smiling
He sacrifices his full youth for his wife and children by working late at night without any complaint.
He builds their future by taking loans from banks & repaying them for his lifetime.
He struggles a lot and still has to bear scolding from his mother, wife and boss.
His life finally ends up only by compromising for others' happiness.
If he goes out, then he's careless
If he stays at home, then he's lazy
If he scolds children, then he's a monster
If he doesn't scold, then he's an irresponsible guy
If he stops wife from working, then he's an insecure guy
If he doesn't stops wife from working, then he's somebody who lives on wife's earnings
If he listens to mom, then he's mama's boy
If he listens to wife, he's wife's slave
Respect every male in your life.
U will never know what he has sacrificed for you.

" HAPPY MEN'S DAY" : Which will never comes ...

Sama Bunyi

Sebuah cerita di bulan puasa :::

Sahabat 1 : 'nyaris betul tadi'
Sahabat 2 : 'nyaris apa?'
Sahabat 1 : 'nyaris batal puasa aku'
Sahabat 2 : 'kenapa pulak?'
Sahabat 1 : 'azan zohor tadi sebijik macam azan magrib'

The Indian Way

I love the Indian way ...

An inquiry was being held after an accident at a railway crossing in Punjab, India. A stationmaster was asked by the inquiry commission, "How many railway crossings are in your area?" Stationmaster, "total of 11 railway crossings, 4 unmanned and 7 manned crossings. Of the 7 manned crossings 4 are male and 3 are female."

After a brief silence, the inquiry commissioner asked,  "what do you mean 'male' and 'female' crossing?" The Station master replied "where the barrier pole goes up we call it male and where the gates spread open we call it female !!!

Mind Your Own Business

A little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?"

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years". The man asked, "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, No, he was always minding his own business!

Don't Love Your Company

Love your job but don't love your company, because you may not know when your company stops loving you : Dr APJ Abdul Kalam

ALWAYS LEAVE OFFICE ON TIME

(1) Work is a never-ending process. It can never be completed.
(2) Interest of a client is important, so is your family.
(3) If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor client will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will.
(4) Life is not only about work, office and client. There is more to live. You need time to socialize, entertain, relax and exercise. Don't let life be meaningless.
(5) A person who stays late at the office is not a hard working person, instead he/she is a fool who does not know how to manage work within the stipulated time. He/She is inefficient and incompetent in his work.
(6) You did not study hard and struggle in life to become a machine.
(7) If your boss forces you to work late, he/she may be ineffective and have a meaningless life too; so forward this to him/her.

Without My Knowledge

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

Minimal Lettuce

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Bankstown, Sydney ...

Wombat Crossing

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W Office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason : 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'.

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne

Garage Door

We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'you need a 1/4 horsepower'.

I responded that 1/2 was large that 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not, Four is larger that two'. We haven't used that repairman since ... this happened in Ipswich, Qld.

Do Not Confuse

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5.00 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed here 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money'.

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back'. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing'. The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at McD's.

The Other Side

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side'

Pedestrian Light

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that is signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!?'

She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.

Salaam Muhammad

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they travelled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad, Ramadan Mubarak!

Salam Ramadhan : Versi NS

Kalau dilipek sebosa kuku
Kalau dibontang sebosa Alam
Kuk hilang di caghi
Kuk hanyut di pinteh
Kuk tonggolam disolam
Datang biarlah nampak muko
Kuk poie biarlah nampak belakang
Jauh dihimbau Dokek dighamit
Ramadhan muncul kito bersuo
Ampun mahap sesamo manusio
Apolah dayo den insan biaso
Kadang-kadang terbabeh juo
Seuntai salam
Sejambak kato
Dogup bebicaro
Mongghisik raso
Maaf kan den pinto pado semuo

Selamat menjalani ibadah poso

Salam Ramadhan : Versi J

Bocah cilik mangan sego,
Sego dipangan karo gulo,
Wes suwi orak ngomong Jowo,
Dino poso ki njalok ngapuro...

Nyimpan jenang nang jero tin,
Ngesok arek digowo mareng suro,
Keluputan kulo lahir batin,
Salah silap njlok dingapuro...

Buko poso lawuh'e gereh,
Njegor sunge dicaplok boyo,
Keluputanku sing akeh-akeh,
Kito 0 - 0 lah yo...

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan 

Ramadhan Golfers

"P" : Pukul half swing cukup.
"U" : Usah ada betting.
"A" : Amalkan kiraan yang betul.
"S" : Strokes bagi lebih tak pe.
"A" : Angkat bola kalau dah triple bogey.........

Bagi yang nak main golf jugak dalam bulan puasa ni 

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St Paul's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied :

"Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct here eyesight."

Love Your Husband

When he orders you to make coffee.
He wants to feel fresh to listen to your non stop talks.
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females.
He is just checking that you are still the best.

Love him if he criticise your cooking.
He is still improving his taste.

Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep.
He is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you.

Love him if he forgets to give a gift on your birthday.
He is saving money for your future.

Love him ... Because ...
you don't have a Choice ...
and killing is a legal offence.

The First and True Language of America

(I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

Man : “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman : “Excuse me?”

Man : *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

Woman : “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

Management Decided

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs ... He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made  mistakes. One of the ministers once gave an opinion which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs. So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this ..? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

The king agreed ... In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days ... The guard was baffled … But he agreed … So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment. But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw ... They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister !!! The king baffled at what he saw … Said  "what happened to the dog ... !!!"

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service ... Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake !!! So the king realised his mistake ...

and ... Got wolves instead ...

Moral : What management decides is decided. Even though they are wrong, you will still be screwed !!!

Ujian Kesetiaan

Isteri beli 12 helai seluar dalam sama warna untuk suami.

Suami : sayang ... kenapa semua warna sama ??? Nanti orang ingat abang tak pernah tukar sekuar dalam.

Isteri : Orang yang mana ???

Suami : *krik krik krik*

What's Wrong Being Old

What is wrong being old? AIDS Warning !!! To all of you who are 58 and 59 this year, this is specially for you ...

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS : BAND AIDS : ROLL AIDS : WALKING AIDS : MEDICAL AIDS : GOVERNMENT AIDS

Most of all, monetary aids to their kids !!!

Not forgetting HIV : (Hair is Vanishing)

Advice to 50-year olds

CHINESE ADVICE TO 50-YEARS OLD & OLDER

Because none of us have many years to live, and we can't take along anything when we go, so we don't have to be too thrifty. Spend the money that should be spent, enjoy what should be enjoyed, donate what you are able to donate

DON'T WORRY about what will happen after we are gone, because when we return to dust, we will feel nothing about praises or criticisms. The time to enjoy the worldly life and your hard earned wealth will be over!

DON'T WORRY too much about your children, for children will have their own destiny and should find their own way.  Care for them, love them, give them gifts but also enjoy your money or what is left of it, while you can. Life should have more to it than working from the cradle to the grave!!

50-year old's, don't trade in - your health for wealth, by working yourself to an early grave any more. Because your money may not be able to buy your health. When to stop making money, and how much is enough? (A HUNDRED thousand, One million, ten million, One billion?)

Out  of thousand hectares of good farm land, you can consume only three quarts (of rice) daily; out of a thousand mansions, you only need eight square meters of  space to rest at night. So, as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough. You should live happily. Every family has its own problems.

Just DO NOT COMPARE with others for fame and social status and see whose children are doing better etc., but challenge others for happiness, health, enjoyment, quality of  life and longevity. DON'T WORRY about things that you can't change because it doesn't help and it may spoil your health.

You have to create your own well-being and find your own place of happiness. As long  as you are in good mood and good health, think about happy things, do happy things daily and have fun in doing, then you will pass your time happily every day.

One day passes WITHOUT happiness, you will lose one day.
One day passes WITH happiness and then you gain one day.

In good spirit, sickness will cure; In a happy spirit, sickness will cure faster; in high and happy spirits, sickness will never come. With good mood, suitable amount of exercise, always in the sun, variety of foods, reasonable amount of vitamin and mineral intake, hopefully you will live another 20 or 30 years of  healthy life of pleasure.

ABOVE ALL -
Learn to cherish the goodness around ... like your spouse and FRIENDS ... They all make you feel young and "wanted" ... without them you are surely to feel lost !!

Wishing you all the best for the years to come.

Sembang Dengan Perempuan Cantik

Lelaki : Cik, dah dua jam saya cari isteri saya dalam Mall ni tetapi tak jumpa. Boleh kita sembang-sembang sekejap?
Wanita : Erm boleh aje, tetapi kenapa nak sembang dengan saya?

Lelaki :  Biasanya kalau saya sembang dengan perempuan cantik, sekejap lagi isteri saya akan cepat je muncul entah dari mana-mana

Selamat Hari Guru

Di dalam kelas matematik yang diajar Cikgu wanita muda

Cikgu : Ada 3 ekor burung hinggap di atas kabel letrik, seekor ditembak, tinggal berapa ekor?
Murid lelaki : Tak seekor pun tinggal
Cikgu : Kenapa?
Murid : Sebab yang lagi 2 ekor terus terbang melarikan diri
Cikgu : Menurut teori matematik harus tinggal lagi 2 ekor tetapi Cikgu suka dengan pemikiran awak tu.

Murid : Cikgu, saya ada soalan untuk Cikgu pula, ada 3 orang wanita membeli ais krim batang, seorang menjilat, seorang menghisap dan seorang lagi menggigit. Cikgu rasa wanita yang mana dah berkahwin?

Cikgu : (merah muka) Cikgu rasa wanita yang menghisap.

Murid : Salah cikgu. Wanita yang memakai cincin di jari manis sebenarnya yang dah kahwin,  tetapi saya suka dengan pemikiran Cikgu.

SELAMAT HARI GURU

Stolen Car

This one written by a woman is a Ladies' Special ...

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted at me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked etc ... I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.  "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, then please come and get me." 

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car"...

Laugh Again ...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman :  "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied : "My husband’s cheque book !!!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?" Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor !!!"

Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife : Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I am scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !!!

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this "Today is a fine day". I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will  leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you ...

Angry Bird

Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order :

New Bird
Neighbour Bird
Old Bird
Upstairs Bird
Hospital Bird
Insurance Bird
College Bird
Super Market Bird

Finally she checks her name. and it was saved as

"Angry Bird"

Battery Full

Ditengah malam, Suami terjaga kerana hand phone Isteri berbunyi.

Lalu Suami membacanya, dengan marah suami pun mengejutkan isterinya dan berkata "Ini siapa yang hantar watsapp dengan kata "BEAUTIFUL".

Lalu isterinya pun baca, dengan lebih marah lagi lalu berkata "lain kali nak baca pakai cermin mata, ini bukan beautiful tapi BATTERY FULL, dah tua tua menyusahkan orang".

Orang Kata

Orang kita kata kalau dah ada rezeki baru kahwin, tapi orang Islam kata nak tambah rezeki kena kahwin.

Orang kita kata nak senang kena banyak simpan duit, tapi orang Islam kata nak senang kena banyak keluarkan duit atau sedekah.

Orang kita kata dah kaya baru bantu orang miskin, tapi orang Islam kata kalau nak kaya bantu orang miskin.

Orang kita kata makan sampai kenyang, tapi orang Islam kata berhenti sebelum kenyang.

Orang kita kata sakit itu bala, tapi orang Islam kata sakit itu penghapus dosa.

Inilah keindahan Islam yang sentiasa positif, yang bersandarkan keyakinan tinggi kepada Allah.

Allah Maha Mengetahui.

Story For Growth

A lovely little girl was holding two apples with both hands.

Her mum came in and softly asked her little daughter with a smile : my sweetie, could you give your mum one of your two apples?
The girl looked up at her mum for some seconds, then she suddenly took a quick bite on one apple, and then quickly on the other.
The mum felt the smile on her face freeze. She tried hard not to reveal her disappointment.
Then the little girl handed one of her bitten apples to her mum,and said : mummy, here you are. This is the sweeter one.

No matter who you are, how experienced you are, and how knowledgeable you think you are, always delay judgement.  Give others the privilege to explain themselves. What you see may not be the reality. Never conclude for others.

Luahan Lelaki

Ni luahan lelaki ... kesian tak ada "Hari Lelaki" ...

Sharing session :

LELAKI ada lah ciptaan TUHAN yang paling indah. Dia mula untuk bertolak ansur dari umur yang sangat muda ...

Dia korbankan coklat nya untuk adik beradik nya ...

Dia korbankan impian hanya untuk melihat orang tua nya tersenyum ...

Dia membelanjakan kesemua duit untuk beli hadiah untuk yang dia cinta, hanya untuk melihat dia tersenyum ☺...

Dia korbankan kehidupan masa muda nya hanya untuk isteri dan anak-anak dengan bekerja lewat malam tanpa sebarang keluhan ...

Dia bina masa depan mereka sekeluarga dengan membuat pinjaman daripada bank dan membuat bayaran balik sepanjang hayatnya ...

Dia telah pun bersusah payah tapi masih dimarahi ibu isteri dan boss ...

Kehidupan dia berakhir hanya untuk bertolak ansur demi kebahagiaan orang lain ...

Kalau dia keluar rumah, orang kata dia lalai ...

Kalau dia duduk dirumah, org kata dia malas ...

Kalau dia marah anak-anak, orang kata dia raksaksa ...

Kalau dia tak marah, orang kata dia lelaki yang tak bertanggungjawab ...

Kalau dia tak benarkan isteri bekerja, orang kata dia seorang yang mengongkong ...

Kalau dia benarkan isteri bekerja, orang kata dia makan hasil isteri ...

Kalau dia dengar cakap emak, orang kata dia anak emak ...

Kalau dia dengar cakap isteri, orang kata dia kena Queen Control ...

Hargailah setiap lelaki dalam hidup anda. Anda tidak akan pernah tahu apa perngorbanan yang sudah dilakukan buat anda ...

Berbaloi dibaca oleh semua lelaki ... supaya mereka tersenyum ☺ dan kepada semua wanita ... supaya mereka sedar yang lelaki itu amat berharga..

"HAPPY MEN'S DAY" : Which never comes : Tanpa lelaki..kosonglah wad bersalin ...

Confession

Man confessing to Priest via WhatsApp 

Man : "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I message dirty jokes and view naked women's pictures on my mobile".

Father : "Forward all your sins to me".

4 Lady Friends [after 30 years]

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion ...

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.

"Oh no !!" said the Lady, he is doing good.

"Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends ...".

All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain)

May Ah Beng Cheer Up

Someone asks Ah Beng why Najib goes walking only in the evening but not in the morning. Ah Beng replies Najib is PM not AM

Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says, 'My Mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610

Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend : Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng : No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Dr : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife : How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD!  U have come again.

Ah Beng reports to police : 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
Police : 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news ...'

Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'.
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it might be hot.

Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"

Ah Beng was sittng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double decker buses.
When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.

Ah Beng told his servant : 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant : 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'