views, stories, anecdotes, cerita, ceriti and all the humours and the trash : seen or received from the social media ... compiled ... published ... as it is ...

Monday, 25 May 2015

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St Paul's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied :

"Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct here eyesight."

Love Your Husband

When he orders you to make coffee.
He wants to feel fresh to listen to your non stop talks.
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females.
He is just checking that you are still the best.

Love him if he criticise your cooking.

He is still improving his taste.

Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep.

He is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you.

Love him if he forgets to give a gift on your birthday.

He is saving money for your future.

Love him ... Because ...

you don't have a Choice ...
and killing is a legal offence.

Thursday, 21 May 2015

The First and True Language of America

(I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)


Man : “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman : “Excuse me?”

Man : *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

Woman : “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

Management Decided

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs ... He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made  mistakes. One of the ministers once gave an opinion which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs. So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this ..? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

The king agreed ... In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days ... The guard was baffled … But he agreed … So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment. But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw ... They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister !!! The king baffled at what he saw … Said  "what happened to the dog ... !!!"

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service ... Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake !!! So the king realised his mistake ...

and ... Got wolves instead ...

Moral : What management decides is decided. Even though they are wrong, you will still be screwed !!!

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Ujian Kesetiaan

Isteri beli 12 helai seluar dalam sama warna untuk suami.

Suami : sayang ... kenapa semua warna sama ??? Nanti orang ingat abang tak pernah tukar sekuar dalam.

Isteri : Orang yang mana ???

Suami : *krik krik krik*

Monday, 18 May 2015

What's Wrong Being Old

What is wrong being old? AIDS Warning !!! To all of you who are 58 and 59 this year, this is specially for you ...

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS : BAND AIDS : ROLL AIDS : WALKING AIDS : MEDICAL AIDS : GOVERNMENT AIDS


Most of all, monetary aids to their kids !!!

Not forgetting HIV : (Hair is Vanishing)

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Advice to 50-year olds

CHINESE ADVICE TO 50-YEARS OLD & OLDER

Because none of us have many years to live, and we can't take along anything when we go, so we don't have to be too thrifty. Spend the money that should be spent, enjoy what should be enjoyed, donate what you are able to donate

DON'T WORRY about what will happen after we are gone, because when we return to dust, we will feel nothing about praises or criticisms. The time to enjoy the worldly life and your hard earned wealth will be over!

DON'T WORRY too much about your children, for children will have their own destiny and should find their own way.  Care for them, love them, give them gifts but also enjoy your money or what is left of it, while you can. Life should have more to it than working from the cradle to the grave!!

50-year old's, don't trade in - your health for wealth, by working yourself to an early grave any more. Because your money may not be able to buy your health. When to stop making money, and how much is enough? (A HUNDRED thousand, One million, ten million, One billion?)

Out  of thousand hectares of good farm land, you can consume only three quarts (of rice) daily; out of a thousand mansions, you only need eight square meters of  space to rest at night. So, as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough. You should live happily. Every family has its own problems.

Just DO NOT COMPARE with others for fame and social status and see whose children are doing better etc., but challenge others for happiness, health, enjoyment, quality of  life and longevity. DON'T WORRY about things that you can't change because it doesn't help and it may spoil your health.

You have to create your own well-being and find your own place of happiness. As long  as you are in good mood and good health, think about happy things, do happy things daily and have fun in doing, then you will pass your time happily every day.

One day passes WITHOUT happiness, you will lose one day.
One day passes WITH happiness and then you gain one day.

In good spirit, sickness will cure; In a happy spirit, sickness will cure faster; in high and happy spirits, sickness will never come. With good mood, suitable amount of exercise, always in the sun, variety of foods, reasonable amount of vitamin and mineral intake, hopefully you will live another 20 or 30 years of  healthy life of pleasure.

ABOVE ALL -
Learn to cherish the goodness around ... like your spouse and FRIENDS ... They all make you feel young and "wanted" ... without them you are surely to feel lost !!

Wishing you all the best for the years to come.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Sembang Dengan Perempuan Cantik

Lelaki : Cik, dah dua jam saya cari isteri saya dalam Mall ni tetapi tak jumpa. Boleh kita sembang-sembang sekejap?
Wanita : Erm boleh aje, tetapi kenapa nak sembang dengan saya?

Lelaki :  Biasanya kalau saya sembang dengan perempuan cantik, sekejap lagi isteri saya akan cepat je muncul entah dari mana-mana

Selamat Hari Guru

Di dalam kelas matematik yang diajar Cikgu wanita muda

Cikgu : Ada 3 ekor burung hinggap di atas kabel letrik, seekor ditembak, tinggal berapa ekor?
Murid lelaki : Tak seekor pun tinggal
Cikgu : Kenapa?
Murid : Sebab yang lagi 2 ekor terus terbang melarikan diri
Cikgu : Menurut teori matematik harus tinggal lagi 2 ekor tetapi Cikgu suka dengan pemikiran awak tu.

Murid : Cikgu, saya ada soalan untuk Cikgu pula, ada 3 orang wanita membeli ais krim batang, seorang menjilat, seorang menghisap dan seorang lagi menggigit. Cikgu rasa wanita yang mana dah berkahwin?

Cikgu : (merah muka) Cikgu rasa wanita yang menghisap.

Murid : Salah cikgu. Wanita yang memakai cincin di jari manis sebenarnya yang dah kahwin,  tetapi saya suka dengan pemikiran Cikgu.

SELAMAT HARI GURU

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Stolen Car

This one written by a woman is a Ladies' Special ...

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted at me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked etc ... I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.  "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, then please come and get me." 

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car"...

Laugh Again ...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman :  "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied : "My husband’s cheque book !!!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?" Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor !!!"

Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife : Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I am scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !!!

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this "Today is a fine day". I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will  leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you ...

Angry Bird

Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order :

New Bird
Neighbour Bird
Old Bird
Upstairs Bird
Hospital Bird
Insurance Bird
College Bird
Super Market Bird

Finally she checks her name. and it was saved as

"Angry Bird"

Battery Full

Ditengah malam, Suami terjaga kerana hand phone Isteri berbunyi.

Lalu Suami membacanya, dengan marah suami pun mengejutkan isterinya dan berkata "Ini siapa yang hantar watsapp dengan kata "BEAUTIFUL".


Lalu isterinya pun baca, dengan lebih marah lagi lalu berkata "lain kali nak baca pakai cermin mata, ini bukan beautiful tapi BATTERY FULL, dah tua tua menyusahkan orang".

Orang Kata

Orang kita kata kalau dah ada rezeki baru kahwin, tapi orang Islam kata nak tambah rezeki kena kahwin.

Orang kita kata nak senang kena banyak simpan duit, tapi orang Islam kata nak senang kena banyak keluarkan duit atau sedekah.

Orang kita kata dah kaya baru bantu orang miskin, tapi orang Islam kata kalau nak kaya bantu orang miskin.

Orang kita kata makan sampai kenyang, tapi orang Islam kata berhenti sebelum kenyang.

Orang kita kata sakit itu bala, tapi orang Islam kata sakit itu penghapus dosa.

Inilah keindahan Islam yang sentiasa positif, yang bersandarkan keyakinan tinggi kepada Allah.

Allah Maha Mengetahui.

Story For Growth

A lovely little girl was holding two apples with both hands.

Her mum came in and softly asked her little daughter with a smile : my sweetie, could you give your mum one of your two apples?
The girl looked up at her mum for some seconds, then she suddenly took a quick bite on one apple, and then quickly on the other.
The mum felt the smile on her face freeze. She tried hard not to reveal her disappointment.
Then the little girl handed one of her bitten apples to her mum,and said : mummy, here you are. This is the sweeter one.

No matter who you are, how experienced you are, and how knowledgeable you think you are, always delay judgement.  Give others the privilege to explain themselves. What you see may not be the reality. Never conclude for others.

Luahan Lelaki

Ni luahan lelaki ... kesian tak ada "Hari Lelaki" ...

Sharing session :

LELAKI ada lah ciptaan TUHAN yang paling indah. Dia mula untuk bertolak ansur dari umur yang sangat muda ...

Dia korbankan coklat nya untuk adik beradik nya ...

Dia korbankan impian hanya untuk melihat orang tua nya tersenyum ...

Dia membelanjakan kesemua duit untuk beli hadiah untuk yang dia cinta, hanya untuk melihat dia tersenyum ☺...

Dia korbankan kehidupan masa muda nya hanya untuk isteri dan anak-anak dengan bekerja lewat malam tanpa sebarang keluhan ...

Dia bina masa depan mereka sekeluarga dengan membuat pinjaman daripada bank dan membuat bayaran balik sepanjang hayatnya ...

Dia telah pun bersusah payah tapi masih dimarahi ibu isteri dan boss ...

Kehidupan dia berakhir hanya untuk bertolak ansur demi kebahagiaan orang lain ...

Kalau dia keluar rumah, orang kata dia lalai ...

Kalau dia duduk dirumah, org kata dia malas ...

Kalau dia marah anak-anak, orang kata dia raksaksa ...

Kalau dia tak marah, orang kata dia lelaki yang tak bertanggungjawab ...

Kalau dia tak benarkan isteri bekerja, orang kata dia seorang yang mengongkong ...

Kalau dia benarkan isteri bekerja, orang kata dia makan hasil isteri ...

Kalau dia dengar cakap emak, orang kata dia anak emak ...

Kalau dia dengar cakap isteri, orang kata dia kena Queen Control ...

Hargailah setiap lelaki dalam hidup anda. Anda tidak akan pernah tahu apa perngorbanan yang sudah dilakukan buat anda ...

Berbaloi dibaca oleh semua lelaki ... supaya mereka tersenyum ☺ dan kepada semua wanita ... supaya mereka sedar yang lelaki itu amat berharga..

"HAPPY MEN'S DAY" : Which never comes : Tanpa lelaki..kosonglah wad bersalin ...

Confession

Man confessing to Priest via WhatsApp 

Man : "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I message dirty jokes and view naked women's pictures on my mobile".

Father : "Forward all your sins to me".

4 Lady Friends [after 30 years]

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion ...

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.

"Oh no !!" said the Lady, he is doing good.

"Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends ...".

All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain)

May Ah Beng Cheer Up

Someone asks Ah Beng why Najib goes walking only in the evening but not in the morning. Ah Beng replies Najib is PM not AM

Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says, 'My Mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610

Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend : Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng : No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Dr : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife : How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD!  U have come again.

Ah Beng reports to police : 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
Police : 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news ...'

Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'.
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it might be hot.

Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"

Ah Beng was sittng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double decker buses.
When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.

Ah Beng told his servant : 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant : 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'